Friday, September 10, 2010

::To My DW::

I’m really, really hurting right now. The pain is so intense that there are no words to convey it in a way that you’d understand. All these matters that I continuously keep bottled up are fueling my depression. I need you so much, but I won’t allow myself to have that need. I shouldn’t even be emailing you right now, because at the same time I’m trying so hard to pull away from you. I don’t want to need anyone. It makes me vulnerable – it makes a person have power over me, and I don’t want that. People always abuse their power when it comes to me. But, I can’t help contacting you right now. It’s either email you, or attempt to kill myself.


I keep seriously injuring myself in order to cope with this agony, and I think you should know that – I’ve just been too afraid to tell you because I didn’t want you to refer me to a hospital. But, you said that I can tell you things that happened in the past, and so I will. I’ll give you an example of how I attempt to kill myself without attempting to die, which is what I do sometimes when I’m just hurting beyond words (like now). I know, that statement sounds like it makes no sense, but it’s possible to do. For instance, on July 4th, 2010 12:00(ish) AM I drank bleach in hopes to surely hurt myself, and if I died in the process that would have been more than okay. Unfortunately, I’m still alive. Clearly. It made me throw up shortly after ingesting it. My stomach burned for weeks. Unsuccessful. But, it was satisfying.

Also, that same night I attempted to hang myself. That was a true attempt to die though. I, stupidly, tied the noose wrong, so my head slipped out after my throat was crushed. I could not swallow well for a few weeks. Painful, but also satisfying.

This isn’t a fun way to live, if you can even call this living. Every night I’m just in so much emotional pain, because I can no longer keep my mind preoccupied the same way I can during the day. During the day I’m always dragging myself out of the house to do things – I always try to keep busy. But, at night I don’t have that option. I can only stay so busy in my house. Maybe I do actually wish you could be there for me 24/7, well, more just at night. I know I have the option to page you, but you already know how I feel about that. Just like asking for what I need makes me feel like a bad person, paging you does too because I’m interrupting your life. I think of it as you dropping what you’re doing to cater to me. I don’t like that. I don’t like that at all. So, I always have to struggle through every night until I go to bed, (which has been a lot earlier now after taking your advice). I think it’s difficult for you to understand that I don’t really have friends to talk to about these kinds of things. I don’t know why, but all the therapists I ever had had a difficult time believing that I have no friends to call during these types of emergencies. Sure, I’ll give you that fact that maybe people do care about me, but you can’t just tell anyone these kinds of thoughts. You know? They’re private. Plus, if I told anyone that I was thinking about killing myself, they’d surely call the cops. They’re not equipped to handle me. Plus, I only feel safe with certain people. It causes a lot of problems only trusting about two people, but I can’t help that. Honestly, your support is the only way to kill my pain long enough to get me through the night. It’s too bad that I can’t reach out to you when I’m in such crisis.

I know that I say this all the time, but I really do want to give up on life. I’ve already started. All I do is just sleep whenever possible. I’ve cut off all of my connections to the world. I don’t go on Facebook, I don’t respond to my text messages, I don’t go on my other social-networking websites. I definitely don’t want to see anyone even though my friends keep inviting me places. My energy level is so low that I can barely take a shower without feeling like I’m about to die. I feel like an emotional mess.

Right now all I am trying to do is keep myself alive.

5 comments:

Linda Ann said...

Sirena as I read this my heart breaks. To read your words and how you find a way to express some of that pain is something I cannot do myself. I wish I could be that honest.

You may not believe me, but I know exactly how you feel. I believe you when you say you don't have friends to talk to. I don't either. The ones who know don't know what to do and the ones that find out won't speak to me. They think I am a "head case" and I should be locked up. I know the nights all to well. But I personally hate sleep, thus I find no comfort in that either.

I know these words won't bring much light into your darkness, but I am here, you can call or text me. Seriously, you won't be bothering me. Just e-mail me @ LindaHic@msn.com and I will give u my number.

S, I know this is hard and life means nothing. I've repeatedly said myself that I'm 20 years old, and I've seen enough of this life to not want to see 21. So girl, I know where you are, I am there too.

please I hope you find this comment as a glimmer of hope. if not, then at least hopefully you will have read it at all. I guess the best we can do is hold out our hand and believe someone is there with us in the dark.

Anonymous said...

I dont have any answers, i dont know you so i cant have any answers without knowing more.
My heartless logical brain says: you are locking things up, they need to be dealt with. You think you cant talk to anyone, you need to realy try find someone you can trust or at the very least ring those helplines where its anonymous and thats what the person is there for. You dont want to feel controlled, so you should make the decisions in your recovery. You need support 24/7 at this junction in your recovery, so you should be in hospital/ care somewhere with therapists whose job it is to help(hence less irrational guilt over taking them away from what they're doing).
My heart says i wish i was there with you, even if i couldn't understand i could hug you and sit through the pain with you. im so sorry you feel like this and more sorry that you feel trapped feeling like this. That people are not supposed to feel like this so i KNOW there is an answer but (forgetting all the crap we busy ourselves with in this world and putting things in their rightful place) you should have someone with you till you find that answer.
It scares me when i read this, that there are so many people suffering and so many feel alone. It doesn't seem right.
I know its hard to find someone who understands but i was lucky enough once to have someone who didnt understand where i was or what i was feeling but they knew and cared about me and sat there with me when i was there so i wasn't alone. So i know its possible for you, even if we never find someone who understands us completely they can know us and care so much that it doesnt matter.
You sound like you DO want to live, that if this pain wasn't in your life you would be thriving. You are burdened with this want to end it, it is not you it is your burden. If there is anything you can manage to do without making you feel controlled or bad you should do it. You dont have to page someone every night but there has to be some changes you can make to give you more support. I know there are people out there who would want to without being burdened or controlling. Its about finding one of them. If i wasok myself i would be there with you now. maybe Linda Ann above is worth a shot?
Im sorry i dont have answers. Please at least know: you are loved

mycrazybipolarlife said...

Hi Sirena,

Thank you for commenting on my blog.

Every word of this post is something I could have written myself, I understand so well where you are coming from. I feel rather like this towards my social worker, like I don't want to contact her all the time but sometimes she is the only one who can talk me out of my darkest places.

I understand all too well your line that you "attempt to kill myself without attempting to die " - this does make sense (to me). Sometimes I feel as though it is all of the inside of me, all the thoughts, the voices, my brain, my body, etc, that I want to kill; and yet, I don't want to die 100%, I just want to start again with an empty shell with all the badness inside gone, so I can try and put good parts in their places.

Hmm I don't know if that makes any sense at all.

You are expressing yourself so well on here, I am going to add you to my blog list if that's ok? Please know that you aren't alone even if that is only the smallest of comfort for you.

Sending you *hugs*
MCBL xx

Clueless said...

I've been here too many times and know how desperate and painful this place is. I do hope that you can talk with your therapist about all of these thoughts. You can even do this by reading this entry. This is one of the only ways that I could communicate with my therapist for a long time because of my trust issues.

Email me anytime...I really do mean this!!!

Hang in there...it does get better...I promise. Suicide is not the way out of your pain...unfortunately feeling it is.

I am going to add you to my list of following and to my blogroll...I hope that brings some more supportive readers. Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving a comment.

Grace said...

Sirena, as you know I get it. The pain is overwhelming and it it can be oh, so hard to resist that call to make it stop. But you did it, I did it. That means we can do it again.
Please stay in this world with the rest of us screwed up people - we need you! Rest your head on my shoulder, hunni. My shirt is cotton and machine washable, sweetie, it can take all the snot and tears you can muster up! So bring it!
I just emailed you my phone number - program that shit in your phone, chica.
You can lean on me.
I love you!
(HUGS)
Grace

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