Friday, September 10, 2010

::Am I Going to Die Tonight?::

What will happen if I don't make it through the night in one piece? Will you be mad that I didn't page you, crying for help? Will you refer me to a hospital after the damage has already done? Will you be glad that I finally killed part of my misery? I want to know what will happen, because I have a strong sense that I won't be safe tonight. I have no one to turn to, which is the norm when I feel this badly. I have no one to save me.

Tonight my mind is feeding me lies that seem real. They're whispering to me that you really don't care about me, and want more than anything for me to be dead. Gone. Nonexistent. I had one of the worst intrusive thoughts last night. I kept thinking about how you took a large butcher knife, and continuously stabbed me in the neck. You were covered in my blood, and I was dead lying in a pool of blood. That's how much I think you hate me. So, please meet my CB...the one that's dark, morbid, and dirty. I never wanted you to meet her, but I guess an introduction won't hurt. I'm too drunk off my depression and suicidality to realize what I'm doing anyway. CB has taken over me tonight.
Since I've been struggling with thoughts akin, I'm smaddy at you for not making me feel cared about at certain times. That's why I'm smaddy right now. All these terrible thoughts about you hating me enough to kill me, and I'm believing these thoughts, and you haven't said anything to make me feel cared about. I know you didn't know, so don't think I blame you. But, that's why I'm smaddy. I'm smaddy that you won't write me caring letters when I'm feeling this crappy...I'm smaddy that you rarely ever tell me caring things when I'm on the verge of killing myself. And, I'm smaddy at the fact that sometimes you don't respond to my emails when I reach out to you. I have a lot of "smaddiness" built up within me.

I don't feel loved (all the time), but I know it's because I'm unlovable...I don't even deserve you to "love" me...

So, I sit here, in the dark, having these recurring thoughts that trigger my already suicidal part of my brain. I bet you can't even imagine what it feels like to live in this illusion that everyone hates you. I bear that burden every day along with all the other crazy shit in my head. Is it really any wonder to you why I want to die so badly? Maybe so...I don't tell you enough...I really don't. I don't tell you many of my explicit thoughts, because I feel that that side of my brain is an entirely different one. Like I have multiple personalities, and I'm ashamed of "that personality." That's my private world that I don't want others to know about.

I'm definitely not safe tonight, DW...I'm not safe at all. When CB takes over my mind, it puts things in my mind and compels me to do them. The thoughts I'm having right now are to stab myself like "you did to me." My brother bought this new knife, and I already used it on myself...it's sharp. Very sharp. I need to bleed out my pain. And, as usual, I have the desire to hang myself. I like that "choking" feeling....ever heard of the choking game?

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