::Moved::

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::I Need You::

I want to curl up in my favorite chair in your office; you know exactly which chair I’m talking about, and just listen to you talk. I don’t care what you choose to talk about – just talk, fluidly. I want your voice to wrap around my mind, so all of the bad voices in my head will disappear.

If tears begin to fall down my cheeks, I want you to hug me tight. Let me cry on your shoulder; I hope you don’t mind my tears falling upon you. When your warmth dries my tears from the inside out, then just sit with me again. Talk to me gently assuring me that things will be okay, because you are here for me – you are always here for me if ever I need you. Assure me that you’ll always protect me the best that you can, because you care. I just need to know that someone on this earth cares.

When life gets too much for me to bear, I really need you by my side. To the best of your ability, be my Superman until I can be my own. By loving me I promise I’ll learn how to love myself. Monkey see, monkey do. But, you have to be my brave leader, and I’ll be you’re follower.

::To My DW::

I’m really, really hurting right now. The pain is so intense that there are no words to convey it in a way that you’d understand. All these matters that I continuously keep bottled up are fueling my depression. I need you so much, but I won’t allow myself to have that need. I shouldn’t even be emailing you right now, because at the same time I’m trying so hard to pull away from you. I don’t want to need anyone. It makes me vulnerable – it makes a person have power over me, and I don’t want that. People always abuse their power when it comes to me. But, I can’t help contacting you right now. It’s either email you, or attempt to kill myself.

I keep seriously injuring myself in order to cope with this agony, and I think you should know that – I’ve just been too afraid to tell you because I didn’t want you to refer me to a hospital. But, you said that I can tell you things that happened in the past, and so I will. I’ll give you an example of how I attempt to kill myself without attempting to die, which is what I do sometimes when I’m just hurting beyond words (like now). I know, that statement sounds like it makes no sense, but it’s possible to do. For instance, on July 4^th, 2010 12:00(ish) AM I drank bleach in hopes to surely hurt myself, and if I died in the process that would have been more than okay. Unfortunately, I’m still alive. Clearly. It made me throw up shortly after ingesting it. My stomach burned for weeks. Unsuccessful. But, it was satisfying.

Also, that same night I attempted to hang myself. That was a true attempt to die though. I, stupidly, tied the noose wrong, so my head slipped out after my throat was crushed. I could not swallow well for a few weeks. Painful, but also satisfying.

This isn’t a fun way to live, if you can even call this living. Every night I’m just in so much emotional pain, because I can no longer keep my mind preoccupied the same way I can during the day. During the day I’m always dragging myself out of the house to do things – I always try to keep busy. But, at night I don’t have that option. I can only stay so busy in my house. Maybe I do actually wish you could be there for me 24/7, well, more just at night. I know I have the option to page you, but you already know how I feel about that. Just like asking for what I need makes me feel like a bad person, paging you does too because I’m interrupting your life. I think of it as you dropping what you’re doing to cater to me. I don’t like that. I don’t like that at all. So, I always have to struggle through every night until I go to bed, (which has been a lot earlier now after taking your advice). I think it’s difficult for you to understand that I don’t really have friends to talk to about these kinds of things. I don’t know why, but all the therapists I ever had had a difficult time believing that I have no friends to call during these types of emergencies. Sure, I’ll give you that fact that maybe people do care about me, but you can’t just tell anyone these kinds of thoughts. You know? They’re private. Plus, if I told anyone that I was thinking about killing myself, they’d surely call the cops. They’re not equipped to handle me. Plus, I only feel safe with certain people. It causes a lot of problems only trusting about two people, but I can’t help that. Honestly, your support is the only way to kill my pain long enough to get me through the night. It’s too bad that I can’t reach out to you when I’m in such crisis.

I know that I say this all the time, but I really do want to give up on life. I’ve already started. All I do is just sleep whenever possible. I’ve cut off all of my connections to the world. I don’t go on Facebook, I don’t respond to my text messages, I don’t go on my other social-networking websites. I definitely don’t want to see anyone even though my friends keep inviting me places. My energy level is so low that I can barely take a shower without feeling like I’m about to die. I feel like an emotional mess.

Right now all I am trying to do is keep myself alive.

::Am I Going to Die Tonight?::

What will happen if I don't make it through the night in one piece? Will you be mad that I didn't page you, crying for help? Will you refer me to a hospital after the damage has already done? Will you be glad that I finally killed part of my misery? I want to know what will happen, because I have a strong sense that I won't be safe tonight. I have no one to turn to, which is the norm when I feel this badly. I have no one to save me.

Tonight my mind is feeding me lies that seem real. They're whispering to me that you really don't care about me, and want more than anything for me to be dead. Gone. Nonexistent. I had one of the worst intrusive thoughts last night. I kept thinking about how you took a large butcher knife, and continuously stabbed me in the neck. You were covered in my blood, and I was dead lying in a pool of blood. That's how much I think you hate me. So, please meet my CB...the one that's dark, morbid, and dirty. I never wanted you to meet her, but I guess an introduction won't hurt. I'm too drunk off my depression and suicidality to realize what I'm doing anyway. CB has taken over me tonight.

Since I've been struggling with thoughts akin, I'm smaddy at you for not making me feel cared about at certain times. That's why I'm smaddy right now. All these terrible thoughts about you hating me enough to kill me, and I'm believing these thoughts, and you haven't said anything to make me feel cared about. I know you didn't know, so don't think I blame you. But, that's why I'm smaddy. I'm smaddy that you won't write me caring letters when I'm feeling this crappy...I'm smaddy that you rarely ever tell me caring things when I'm on the verge of killing myself. And, I'm smaddy at the fact that sometimes you don't respond to my emails when I reach out to you. I have a lot of "smaddiness" built up within me.

I don't feel loved (all the time), but I know it's because I'm unlovable...I don't even deserve you to "love" me...

So, I sit here, in the dark, having these recurring thoughts that trigger my already suicidal part of my brain. I bet you can't even imagine what it feels like to live in this illusion that everyone hates you. I bear that burden every day along with all the other crazy shit in my head. Is it really any wonder to you why I want to die so badly? Maybe so...I don't tell you enough...I really don't. I don't tell you many of my explicit thoughts, because I feel that that side of my brain is an entirely different one. Like I have multiple personalities, and I'm ashamed of "that personality." That's my private world that I don't want others to know about.

I'm definitely not safe tonight, DW...I'm not safe at all. When CB takes over my mind, it puts things in my mind and compels me to do them. The thoughts I'm having right now are to stab myself like "you did to me." My brother bought this new knife, and I already used it on myself...it's sharp. Very sharp. I need to bleed out my pain. And, as usual, I have the desire to hang myself. I like that "choking" feeling....ever heard of the choking game?